Dedicated to Eustacia.

Hey, i can't tag your blog so here goes.

Everyone feels depressed at least once in their life. Mine was a 2 year thing, secondary one and two. I was always 'happy' and jokey but it was all a facade, so breakable, a porcelain mask. No one really bothered to try and look behind that mask, most couldn't tell that it was just a front. Then, i felt to worthless, and pathetic. I felt that i had friends, but were they true? No one could possibly Want to love me, so why don't i act to be full of fun, the kind of person that people would want to love. I couldn't understand why people had bible study (aka candice, gabby etc) and i made fun of them, saying that they were 'meditating'. how foolish i was indeed. I just wanted to run away from all this fakeness. i didn't want to continue this fake life, a life built on lies! But there never was anywhere to go, so i continued this life.

In sec 2, i had already started going to church but i still was so depressed, maybe worse then in sec 1. i moped, i couldn't think straight. Everything was so 'emo' and my life then was a plane of gray and black, sprinkled occasionally with a few bright colours in my life. I just felt that i was alone in this world. My parents still worried so, so much about my sister and it was a tough time in school still for her and as they worried about her, resentment built up in me as i felt as i was being ignored. i was so lonely, but thank goodness though i thought of suicide too, a voice would tell me, "NO WAY!! that is stupid, you have a whole life ahead of you Joey! You may feel lonely now but one day, you'll get out of it! Do you know how hurt everyone will be? Your friends and family? Don't be foolish Joey" So i stopped thinking about it anymore.

Finally, this year, with the help of friends, i started getting more positive. then during cell group, i finally cried out to God, "God!!! God!!! I love you, i really do. But do you want to love me back?"

And i knew then that he did talk to me. he said so gently, "Joey, i love you joey. I love you so much joey, i love you." And i started crying, i felt his love surround me and i was so touched that He did love me.

Now, we are all imperfect, and many a times we feel that we are unworthy of love and that the world would be better without us. However, the world is run by the Devil, the Prince of the world. With all the disasters and terrorism and evilness inflicted by him and his crowd of demons, just lacking one or two self-pitying people is nothing to him. What's more, we are christians and by committing suicide, we will indefinitely go to Hell. There, Satan would use us too, shove us in god's face and say arrogantly, "Look, i have YOUR people! They don't appreciate what you gave them, a soul a life! They would rather listen to my demons and fall into depression, then come straight down to Hell!! Look, see, this here is your 'child' God, LOOK!!!"

Don't give in to the Devil Eustacia, keep in mind that no matter what you feel, it just shows you that you have emotions and they are not to rule your life, they are to show you that you HAVE a life! God loves you so much, so much you can't even fathom how much! He is willing to do so much for you and think about it, really do think. he sent his SON, his only son to DIE on the CROSS for you! lemme draw it out

A father, loves his son so much. His only son. A son whom he really loves so so much. But all of us are his children too. He knows he has to find a way to save us all from this much suffering! He looks at Jesus and then back at us. And he knew, for us all, he had to give up one guy, his son to save us all. In numbers, one to save many is definitely worth it. But think, it was HIS SON. Can you imagine sacrificing your son to save your brothers and sisters in christ? Not blood related but spirit related? Your own flesh and blood to be sacrificed for them, and some didn't even appreciate it. Seeing your son suffer through life, being tormented, NAILED to the cross and left to hang... blood dripping, watching him cry out and it was so so painful for God... He wanted so badly to just save his son then he wanted to just grab him out of this misery and bring him back to heaven but he could not. With his last breath, God cried out in fury and grief. The heaven cried and the ground TORE, it was like God crying his eyes out and his heart tearing in to two...

Now, this proves how much he love you Eustacia, he loves you so much he would sacrifice his son. it would be impossible for you to do that for him but he doesn't mind. he DOESN'T want you to kill your own child to show him you love him. He just wants to get close to you and let you know that he loves you. He wants to surround you with love and let you know he loves you! So Eustacia, know that suicide won't solve anything and if you need to confess or talk to, go to God, talk to him. He will let his presence be felt if you yearn for it. And, you have a friend in me too =)

Love, you loads, Joey