CONFESSIONAL!

Ok, This is cause I admit I need help and cause I may have confused/shocked some people.

For the past few weeks, I have been in depression and I was suicidal last week.

It's basically like a drop lower and lower. I don't really know why but I've been getting more and more depressed and with the depression I become unreasonable and irritating. Like on the concert day? When I had red eyes, yeah that was cause I quarreled with my mom till she nearly threw a bowl at me. And when I asked Dora to pray for me (just before obs),thats cause my family and I were experiencing major issues.

So that OBS week, was basically my worst week. I got so far into depression that I seriously entertained the thought of suicide through and overdose. Its a good thing one of my friends told my mom and she could stop me in time. I was going to go for counseling but the counselor's in France so I ended up talking to my Chinese teacher.

I thought I was getting better but from today I guess I still have a long way to go. I was crying this afternoon and basically it was cause I was scared I disappointed one of my friends. It's a good thing Chui was there to basically talk to me and comfort me. I want to tell you guys that the reason why I didn't tell you this earlier is cause I really hate making people worry and personally I don't think I'm that worth it.

I'm going to paste excerpts from my conversation with Chui: (the actual one is 3 pages long)

oh, by the way, i'm awesome says:

why r u depressed?

maybe its true that lifes not worth living I hate myself too says:

i wanna cry

oh, by the way, i'm awesome says:

that doesn't sound eustacia-ish

maybe its true that lifes not worth living I hate myself too says:

people keep scolding me

maybe its true that lifes not worth living I hate myself too says:

and i suck at everything

maybe its true that lifes not worth living I hate myself too says:

i can't even be happy

oh, by the way, i'm awesome says:

that's not true...

oh, by the way, i'm awesome says:

u don't suck at everything

-skip-

maybe its true that lifes not worth living I hate myself too says:

yeah, but i should have helped

oh, by the way, i'm awesome says:

you say you should have

oh, by the way, i'm awesome says:

but could you?

oh, by the way, i'm awesome says:

there's a different

maybe its true that lifes not worth living I hate myself too says:

i dunno

maybe its true that lifes not worth living I hate myself too says:

maybe

oh, by the way, i'm awesome says:

*difference

oh, by the way, i'm awesome says:

listen, eustacia

oh, by the way, i'm awesome says:

just by listening to you, i know that u're obviously not in the right state to help anyone except yourself

maybe its true that lifes not worth living I hate myself too says:

i dunno anything anymore

oh, by the way, i'm awesome says:

we all don't, at some point of time

oh, by the way, i'm awesome says:

but it's just a passing phase

oh, by the way, i'm awesome says:

it'll make you stronger

maybe its true that lifes not worth living I hate myself too says:

but i think i should help all the way

maybe its true that lifes not worth living I hate myself too says:

its better if i collapse helping

oh, by the way, i'm awesome says:

but was it within your ability?

maybe its true that lifes not worth living I hate myself too says:

i dunno

oh, by the way, i'm awesome says:

let me tell u this eustacia

oh, by the way, i'm awesome says:

i shall use an analogy

oh, by the way, i'm awesome says:

right now, u're falling

oh, by the way, i'm awesome says:

u're trying to break the fall

maybe its true that lifes not worth living I hate myself too says:

why am i crying

oh, by the way, i'm awesome says:

and if you successfully break the fall, it would be much easier for you to get up as compared to you letting yourself fall than getting up

oh, by the way, i'm awesome says:

*then

maybe its true that lifes not worth living I hate myself too says:

i dunwanna cry

oh, by the way, i'm awesome says:

go ahead and cry if that's what you need

oh, by the way, i'm awesome says:

it's not a sign of weakness

maybe its true that lifes not worth living I hate myself too says:

i told myself that i'm not going to cry

maybe its true that lifes not worth living I hate myself too says:

n i can't even do that

oh, by the way, i'm awesome says:

don't try so hard

oh, by the way, i'm awesome says:

don't try so hard eustacia

oh, by the way, i'm awesome says:

you don't need to prove anything

-end-

Basically it went on and on and I was crying the whole time. If you want the details I can pass you the transcript cause I don't want to say to much here. So basically I'm asking that you guys help by praying for me if you want to, there's bo obligation.

So thats what I wanted to say.